I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.