*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
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“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
omg leave her alone
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*