My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
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mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I think I’m having a stroke
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Mhm.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope