If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Oh my God.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?