If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
when dads have a rap battle
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”