Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
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*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…