Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
These are my roll models.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Simple enough.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.