how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale