got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
He-man has a Masters degree
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain