Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
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I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
🤣🤣
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”