Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
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You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock