Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
You Might Also Like
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
An odd boast
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet