I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.