A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
You Might Also Like
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
This took me a second..
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
security at the airport getting more straightforward
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.