Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
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When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.