Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
You Might Also Like
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Whoa… oh I see lol