Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Brother?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro