Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
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friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
A ghost story
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.