Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Do not levitate over flowers
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.