Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
You Might Also Like
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Hmm, not sure about this change
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I put the p in pants.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I put the h in mysterious.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself