[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.