[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.