IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar