I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
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My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality