me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.