If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too