[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
You Might Also Like
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
not for long
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly