I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
what’s really going on
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said