Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
umm…
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit