Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Word!
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..