ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
lmfao come on
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held