thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
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The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.