As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’ve had relationships like this
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high