#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
absolute chaos
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE