“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
same bro
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
This made me smile…
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
nyc:
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.