My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
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if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.