watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.