I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I鈥檝e missed 738 birthdays because I haven鈥檛 been on for over 2 years 馃槼
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I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she鈥檚 gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
just once i鈥檇 like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I鈥檓 as confused here as you are.
We鈥檙e both learning what I鈥檓 about to say at the exact same time.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”