My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
She puts the hot in psychotic
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.