priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
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The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once