My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 馃槶馃槀馃槶馃槀
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Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don鈥檛 you dare apologize, he鈥檚 a puppy! He鈥檚 still learning!
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we鈥檙e at, people.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can鈥檛 tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I鈥檓 an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don鈥檛 know how to pronounce it
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She鈥檚 trashing the place.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it鈥檚 going well!
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what鈥檚 the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean