10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
based al yankovic
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”