This trial is so absurd đ
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5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
it amazes me that people still say they want a âfairy-tale marriageâ when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I donât remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
new year update: losing everything but weight
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (itâs a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please donât say it like that.
I like âfound familyâ over âchosen familyâ because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
youâre not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Hubs: Why canât we use the good china?
Me: Because thatâs for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: umâŚ
Me: oh bugger!
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!