Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
You Might Also Like
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered