Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
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What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.