[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
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Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.