Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
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You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
that wasn’t the question
A fake ID that makes you younger
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…