Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Customize Your Wedding.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*