My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist