[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.